I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
