woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
