I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Randomize
