last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
