yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
