His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
