drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
operation harelip BJ is a go
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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