It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
