Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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