the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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