I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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