What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
