All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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