Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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