OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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