i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
