did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
