and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
