Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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