I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
