is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
