I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
