You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
