I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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