I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
