he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
