also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My breasts were aching with rage.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
