happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
