I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
