Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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