I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
