finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
