What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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