I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
