seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
