chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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