I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
