Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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