I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
