i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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