I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
