The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she peed on how many people?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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