when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
