You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
