I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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