I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We were destined to go to rehab together
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
