my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just want to make out with him forever
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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