My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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