Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
