Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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